Girls Gone Zen

Impermanence
n : the property of not existing for indefinitely long durations

Lately, random thoughts and memories of the past have entered my head. I was watching Cats and for some odd reason, I was thinking about my cruise to the Caribbean with my mom five years ago. Of course, I only remember certain moments of that trip and can’t remember it in its entirety. Then I think people come in and out of our lives so fast. We don’t know who will enter and leave. In 2005 and coming into 2006 and even before, we’ve definitely experienced this but more apparently in 2005. Last Saturday, I posted my bed to give away on Craigslist. I got a huge alarming amount of responses. On Sunday, someone came to pick up my bed. One minute I had a bed, the next minute I am sleeping on the floor with my sleeping bag and I’ve already forgotten what it feels like to be sleeping on a bed. My bed, which I will not see again, is only committed to memory now. Everything in past committed to memories now. We can try to remember each moment in time but we won’t be able to. We might remember some events and even when we do, we’ll remember bits and pieces.

At first glance, this feels scary because my life and time are passing by right before my eyes and I have no control of it.

But then, I start becoming nonchalant about each tiny event that happens to me thinking, “Oh, it’s going to pass anyways, so who cares...I’m not going to let this event affect my mood and emotions so I don’t really care.”

Finally, I realized that the nonchalant attitude is not the way to go either. It is good to not to be affected by each moment, (not to be unhappy, angry, disappointed) but at the same time, it is not good to be nonchalant (which is the opposite of being affected).

Basically, you have to conquer both sides of the extreme, to not be affected and to not be nonchalant. (Non-duality) You can conquer both with a certain cliché.

The cliché comes in handy: “Live each moment and treasure each moment as if it was your last…” You know what? Each moment in time is your last. Each moment in time will come to an end. Each moment in time is special. There are no two moments in time that are the same and thus it is always your last. Don’t let a particular moment in time affect your mood because it will come to an end so be less quick to anger or be sad or be scared, and at the same time, don’t be nonchalant because that moment in time only happens once and is special in every shape and form so treasure it.

You know, all of this comes at a time when I know I am leaving SF in 5 weeks. Last week’s lecture at the Zen Center was about living life to the fullest knowing that your life will eventually end. It can be applied to living life to the fullest knowing that your residency of 9 years at a place is about to end and applied to any moment in time.

I know that I have definitely taken all the adventures, fun, laughter, tears, events, situations, friends in the past 9 years for granted. I’ve had the time of my life and now all of it is engrained in memories, which 1 year, 5 years from now will randomly enter my head.

I do have 5 weeks left and I know I will make the most of it. The past few weeks have already been a blast and I am looking forward to each moment in the future. I am also grateful and treasure this current moment as I am writing this entry.