Girls Gone Zen

Blanche re-told the story of the first day she sat in a lecture with Suzuki Roshi. He said, "you are perfect, just as you are." The concept sounds nice - but how does come to such a peaceful relationship with the self? By knowing yourself, studying yourself, and recognizing patterns in your thinking. We are creatures of habit - and the wheels of ill-feelings will turn in the direction of the beast that pulls it. It will gain momentum and become harder and harder to stop or change course.

I remembered the times when I seethed with anger - so much that a little part of me knew any thing said by my poor boyfriend would only add to the thirst to feed the fire.

"Next time," she says, "if you see something in yourself that leads to a negative spiral... tell yourself, 'I am not getting on that train. I know where it goes and it's not where I want to be'"

***
This weekend I flew back to Berkeley (again) and, this time, made it a point to go to the San Francisco Zen Center. Although I haven't really befriended anybody at the Zen Center, for some reason when ever I go, there is an openness that is beyond warmth and friendliness. I can enter through one door, sit and meditate, and whisk away through another door without feeling any awkwardness or pressure to exchange conversation. A lightness fills the place.

At one moment, however, I sorely missed the presence of Anny sitting next to me. It was when Blanche entered the lecture hall.

When I started getting into Buddhism, I knew it was a bit hokey to some of my friends - a mix of bewilderment, suspicion, and tentative respect reflected in their eyes. Is she okay? Is she suffering from pain or depression? Isn't this what *old* hippies do? On the contrary, when I started studying Buddhism, I had the best time of my life. The only person who shared fully in that experience with me was Anny.

So this weekend, when Blanche entered the lecture room, I tried to remember her words so I can say it again for my old rooomie.